How much I allow myself to have

Today I sat with a friend over coffee. We each have a different theme, and yet we keep touching the same thing. The past still holds back our joy, creativity and growth. For me, it showed up as a fear of receiving money.

The interview where I asked for little

Two days ago I went to a job interview. The director told me she saw more in me than just a pair of capable hands, and that she wanted to pay me fairly. She asked how much money I need to live on.

I said I could get by on less, and named a figure that was roughly a third of what would be fair. In the same second I knew I could ask for three times as much and we’d both be happy. I said it anyway.

The Husk that saves for safety

I work with inner parts, an approach inspired by IFS. Each one is trying, in its own way, to look after me. My Husk, the part that protects, made itself a promise years ago. I’ll earn only enough to get by. Nothing extra, nothing I could lose again.

It was born in childhood, when I saw that money gets handed on to others. Later I lived it myself. What I set aside didn’t always stay mine. I kept closing chapters that were never mine to begin with. The Husk did exactly what it knew how to do. It kept me safe, but small.

When I had enough

I know from Australia that it can be different. I went there on my own, with my own savings. For two years I got up at 1:30 a.m., walked half an hour to the bakery and started baking. My rent was paid, I ate good food, paid for my studies and bought books, and allowed myself some expensive pleasures too. I brought home enough for a safe start.

It wasn’t a lot, but it was enough. I felt that same enough in the boundary that my money would stay with me alone. Thousands of kilometres from home, I closed the door for the first time on things that aren’t mine.

The voice that says I’m not worthy

Since then, offers have come that went beyond what I could imagine. People were willing to pay more than a hundred euros an hour for my time. There was even an exceptional offer for a personalised book with accompanying sessions. I didn’t believe it.

Behind that stand the Shears, the part that trims so things can grow beautifully. Sometimes they cut too deep.

I’m not worthy of earning that much.

Today I know that wasn’t true. It was the sentence of a part that was afraid to let me out into the world without protection.

Shedding the old skin

I feel it physically. Old beliefs are turning into new ones. Fear is losing its grip on me, and trust in who I am is growing, with everything I carry inside.

I want to thank my coach and mentor Andy Profantová (andyprofantova.sk) publicly. She introduced me to my parts and showed me how limiting beliefs can be let go. It’s beautiful work. Getting to know who speaks in my head, and what they are protecting me from.

And you?

Maybe money isn’t your theme. It could be being seen, rest, love, or the space you allow yourself to take up. Where do you ask for less than you need?